The power of peace, the weakness of anger

Very often people object that nonviolence seems to imply passive acceptance of injustice and evil and therefore that it is a kind of cooperation with evil. Not at all. The genuine concept of nonviolence implies not only active and effective resistance to evil but in fact a more effective resistance... But the resistance which is taught in the Gospel is aimed not at the evil-doer but at evil in its source.

- Thomas Merton, from Passion For Peace

I have found myself more and more bothered by violence. That seems a silly thing to say, but it is easy growing up in America to become somewhat numb. It is considered normal child's play to pretend to shoot one's playmates, wipe out the indians one more time, make the prisoner's walk the plank. Arrrr, we're jolly pirates.

Why is this? Is it, as some Christian writers would have us believe, because God made us to conquer? We've certainly done a good job "subduing" the earth; of course, we haven't left much to be masters of. Is it as the scientists say, because we are dealing with the leftover traits ingrained in us by years of struggle to survive the evolutionary development of our world? Personally, I tend to lean more toward the Budweiser solution, why ask why?

In the middle of this meditation on peace and non-violence, one of my kids, who we are pretty sure struggles with ADHD, had an extreme meltdown, throwing a major fit about getting ready for bed. Being the thoughtful, non-violent person I am, I blew up and even gave her a swat, my doubts about the virtues of spanking notwithstanding. Then I blew up at Amy and wound up having to leave the house and take a drive. Yes, I'm afraid I'm really like that. Ironic isn't it, given the subject matter of this post?

While I was cooling off, I realized that the very thing I had been posting about could have helped. I responded to my child's violent fit with a violent temper, and the situation quickly deteriorated. We have learned with another child who has been diagnosed with ADHD that the only thing to do is to refuse to fight with them, back off, and let them settle down. Then they often become compliant as though the incident did not happen. In other words, when, instead of anger and insistence on obedience, I respond in understanding, the problem goes away. The cheesy proverb on my box of tea says it this way: "He who forgives end the argument."

This goes against the grain for many of us. I have heard things like, "You have to teach your children respect." Now I believe I must earn their respect. I have heard that, "You must demand that your children obey." Now I believe I must help them obey. I have heard it said that, "You have to be consistent; don't back down." Consistency is good, but if I'm wrong, apologizing and changing is better than standing firm. As Thomas Merton said above, "...the resistance which is taught in the Gospel is aimed not at the evil-doer but at evil in its source." It is more important to resist the violence within than the violence without.

So I cooled off and came home and made all of my apologies. I'm really good at apologies; I've had so much practice! You know, my kids don't know what it's like to have a great dad; but they do know what it's like to have a human dad. If nothing else, I hope they will grow up learning to admit they're wrong after having seen me do it so much!

This post began with thoughts about peace and non-violence, and I'd like to return to that eventually. For now, I am grateful for the interruption of a blog post to break open the violence in my soul and expose it to the healing of forgiveness.